17 Days.

17 Days. In 17 days I am getting married again. I am once again taking the major step of committing myself, heart, body and soul to another human being in the form of a lifetime partnership. 

I am beyond excited. 

And I am beyond terrified. 

Let me explain… I have no doubts about getting married. It is absolutely what I want to do. I love this man more than I could ever put into words. He is amazingly good to me and he accepts my children as they are. He puts up with my nonsense (which unfortunately rears its ugly head more often than I’d like to admit) and he tells me I’m beautiful everyday. He is sweet and kind and affectionate and intelligent and funny (OMG, he’s so funny… we’re constantly laughing) and he’s beyond good looking. 

In short, he is a catch. At the risk of typing a cliche (which I’m going to anyway)… it’s not him, it’s me. 

My fear is not related to him. At least not directly.

Here’s the thing - if I get married again, then I am opening myself up to the possibility of having to relive what I’ve already survived all over again. I am opening myself up to the possibility of becoming a widow again. 

I have no idea if this is rational or not. I have no idea whether I should really pay any attention to this fear.

But what I do know is that it’s real. And it’s true. If I never got married again, I would never have to face the distinct possibility that I could become a widow again. Instead, I’m facing that fear head on and saying “I do” once again. 

When this realization of what my (until then) unnamed fear was, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was one of those moments that literally stopped me in my tracks. I can only imagine how big that light bulb was when it flashed on in all its glory over my head.

Fear is a funny thing. It lurks in the shadows and even when you can’t put your finger on what exactly is going on, it’s there. You can feel it. You can sense it. Heck, you act out because of it even when you can’t put it into words. It has a tendency to dictate your actions and your emotions and before you know, fear has invaded your entire being and take over without your consent. 

I’ve been facing down a lot of fears lately. I’ve been pushing myself and challenging myself in ways I never would have dreamed possible just a short time ago. I feel stronger, braver and more confident than I have in a very long time. 

Not everything has resembled a life on Easy Street. Some days it feels like an uphill battle. But I keep showing up, battle armor in place and a willingness to face whatever comes my way. Because honestly, what’s the alternative?

Let’s think about that for a minute. What is the alternative? I could hide. I could give up before I even try. I could push everyone I care about away because it’s just easier and minimizes my risk of getting hurt. I could refuse to grow or change or adapt. I could use my grief or my history as an excuse to not move forward.

All viable options. And what would that leave me?

Alone. Scared. Walled off. Numb.

No thanks.

I’ve worked too hard and pushed myself too long to settle for that. I didn’t settle for a man who was anything less than amazing and I’m not going to settle for a life where I just exist and go through the emotions. 

And yet, here I am. Scared of something that is only a concept. It is not something that I am facing this anytime soon. Or that I ever will if I’m honest with myself. But I know that I have survived the darkest of dark times and I can do it again if I have to. I know that I am in love with an incredible man that I can’t wait to marry. We’ve shared a beautiful life together so far and now I’ll get to do it as his wife.

I will be a wife again. And I love being a wife. 

So when the fear is reaching up and threatening to distract me and push me off course, I take a deep breath and I remember… I am strong. I deserve to be happy. I got this.