It's been a tough couple of months for me and I've experienced more loss than I really thought I could ever deal with in a short of period of time. Without getting into a lot of details, I've definitely had more than I'd like in terms of life's downs. I could definitely use some ups. Now would be good.
In my lifetime, I've dealt with loss frequently. There's no doubt about that. I've been through the stages of grieving and I've stood by others who had to do the same thing. It doesn't matter if it's a loved one that has passed away, the loss of a job, the loss of a dream, the loss of pet and it also doesn't matter how the loss happened. Loss is loss. And I thought I had a pretty good grip on how to deal with it all.
But I've realized that maybe I don't.
You see, I had a miscarriage recently. It's the third baby that my husband and I have lost and the first two were awful. Truly awful. It has always been my worst fear in life to lose a child. And I've done the whole "why" conversation with myself, but the fact is this: it is what it is. That fact of course doesn't make it easier.
This time it's been harder than ever to bounce back. The past couple of weeks have been almost zombie-like for me. I've welcomed distractions like work, getting the kids ready for their upcoming school year, crafting, a little travel and a plethora of other things that I'm trying to use to get back into the swing of things. And it's helping somewhat. But I feel like I'm constantly pushing through a dark cloud to try and "be happy." I'm aware of the stages of grief and I know I've been through all of them in varying degrees. But the fact of the matter is, I'm sad. I'm just plain sad.
But I've decided to keep moving forward.
Every day has been pretty difficult and it's been a challenge to try and be positive in the everyday world. It's part of the reason I haven't blogged here much lately because I'd feel like a fraud. But it's time. It's time to move forward and do something. And I'm making progress. I'm writing again and I'm working on various projects that really get my creative brain flowing. I'm hanging out with friends, I'm spending more time with family. I'm reading really wonderful books that are beautifully written. I'm trying new things and testing my creativity.
But it still feels like something is missing. Like there's a piece of this puzzle that if I just figure it out, I'll be able to have a really amazing picture. So I keep trying things to figure out what that piece is.
The reason I'm posting this (and believe me I debated for a long time whether or not I was going to post on this) is I'm looking for some guidance and suggestions from you. What do you do when you seem to have lost the bounce back factor? What works for you and what doesn't? I'd love to hear about it. And I thank you for listening.
Photo Credit: LifeWatch-EAP.com