A Beautifully Anxious Mind

Yesterday was one of those days. No matter what I tried to do, the mind was reeling. Focusing on anything of merit was damn near impossible. The brain just wouldn't turn off and settle in. It took several reads of an email to comprehend the request and hours to get things done that would normally take half the time.

Such is the life of living with anxiety disorder.

Normally, I get really frustrated with it especially since I was officially diagnosed. I'm hyper aware of it now and constantly ready to do battle. Granted, this is something I've had for years but it's just taken a more definitive shape since the doctors gave it a label.

Following the diagnosis, I was met with higher levels of anxiety than I've ever had to deal with before (I was now anxious about being anxious which is a vicious and eroding cycle) but also a sense of relief. THAT'S why I do those things. THAT'S why I feel that way. It all makes so much more sense now.

Anyway, yesterday (and a good portion of the day before if I really think about it) was a challenge. Sitting still? Yeah, sure, let me get right on that. Reading? Maybe a paragraph or two. Getting something organized? A-ha! That is the key.

I have learned that distraction is a blessed thing when it comes to dealing with anxiety. Anything that takes my mind off of me (and it has to be something physical for me... I can't just turn on a funny TV show and call it a day) is going to help. Long story short, I got a few more organizational projects done:

  • Cleaned up the bookshelf and all the stuff I had piled around said bookshelf
  • Cleared off what we lovingly refer to as "the baby station" where we keep all of the baby's stuff
  • Organized the desk drawers
  • Cleaned up my closet. Well... at least the clothes. I haven't touched the shoes yet but that will come

The list is still there in my {re}discovery plan and I still have a ways to go. But I'm happy with what I've done for the first half of the month. And I'm dealing with (rather than suffering from) the anxiety. My mind works the way it does for a reason. I haven't quite figured out what that reason is, but it's there and I need to use it. Someone I love deeply tells me to channel it like a kung fu artist and take the anxious energy and use it for good. I'm learning. It's not a bad thing unless I make it a bad thing. It's not a setback. It's a challenge, yes, but one I'm willing to face with a little help from my friends.